


can i miss you (and i need you now)

by angstoverload (TypicalAuthornim)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Don't say I didn't warn you, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Feelings Are Confusing, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentioned WayV Ensemble, Minor Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, No Sense of Time, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Love, Very Minor, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, all of us Hate SM, blink and it's gone, if anything i'm confused @ myself, it's just sad everywhere, it's sad, was thinking about dream show and This Happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-23 19:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20200093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalAuthornim/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: jaemin knew it was to come.yet, nothing explains why he feels a strange tug deep in his heart when he hears renjun is about to leave.alternatively, renjun is going to leave. jaemin tries to figure himself out (before it's too late).





	can i miss you (and i need you now)

**Author's Note:**

> so,,, ha ha ha,,,, why do i make all my fav ships go through angsty heartbreaking stuff all the time. Ha .
> 
> also the dorm set up and pretty much all the 'canon' stuff i put here is just what i imagined and nothing is true.
> 
> title is from lauv and troye sivan's i'm so tired...!

jaemin knew it was to come.

he knows renjun will soon be going back to china— probably for good, since wayv has mostly worked from china. the members only visit korea once in two months, mostly to film practice videos and sometimes for other work jaemin doesn't know. he had seen yukhei, kun and sicheng leave, along with some other trainees he had seen briefly. he had seen ten leave along with them.

yet, he feels a strange tug in his heart when their manager tells off-handedly that renjun and chenle will leave in four months. it's barely the beginning of year-end show preparations.

renjun only nods in reply, going back to writing and doodling something on his notepad. chenle goes quiet after that. no one talks of it anymore.

they don't have any big schedule that day, just practice and practice and strategy plan for his own entry into the nct u unit. he and jeno are re-debuting in the same unit, and they hear of plans to create a new sub-unit with the two of them. a mini-promotion. jeno sounded excited when he overheard a bit of the secret meeting and came rushing to jaemin.

jaemin finds his mind lingering on it for a while. _ renjun, china. renjun, china. renjun, china, forever _, revolves in his mind. 

_ renjun, gone. forever _.

the tug in his heart grows stronger. he thinks of yukhei and his sad smile to mark, of kun lingering around as long as possible, a sliver of hope in their eyes. he thinks of johnny and ten hugging each other tightly every time they meet. he remembers jaehyun and sicheng retreating to a corner to talk about things people of the same age do. 

they'll talk. they'll still see each other. they _ are _ doing that. there's technology, video calls and chatting apps and what-not. even if everything is lost and failed, there are good old letters that they could send each other.

jeno gives him a quick grip of assurance as they get into position for _ we go up _ . the covered up gap of mark is clearly, almost painfully visible in the mirror. and maybe even the instructor notices it too, because he hears a shrill voice yelling " _ position! _".

their choreographer calls off practice for the rest of the day, after seeing jaemin stumble over his own foot one too many times. their manager shoots one look at jaemin and sighs.

_ it's gonna be hard _ , jaemin finds the thought stuck in his mind. _ very hard _.

what is going to be hard? he doesn't find an answer.

renjun sits beside him after practice, reeking of sweat which glistens under the dim light of the practice room. jisung and chenle have went out to probably bother some of the senior artists with their cuteness (as much as they say they hate it, they love people adoring them), donghyuck is scrolling through his mobile with pursed lips, and jeno… where is jeno? he doesn't know.

"hey," renjun says, and even the tone he speaks in screams awkward to jaemin. "is anything bothering you?"

is anything bothering him? he doesn't know, really. his mind is a mess of tangled thoughts and unsaid words threatening to spill out.

he decides to shake his head instead. "nothing," he adds for emphasis.

renjun says nothing. even the silence between them has turned awkward all of a sudden. jaemin wants for it to end, for the air around them to break apart and let room for comfort.

he feels renjun's hand over his, fingers silently curling into the gaps of his. a light squeeze. jaemin has forgotten what it's supposed to mean.

he chooses to stare at his lap instead, at his other hand which he closes and opens. it's hypnotizing enough for the moment.

every second that passes feels like a damn eternity. he looks everywhere but at renjun or the intertwined hands. jisung and chenle never come, donghyuck walks out, busy with a call, and jeno is still nowhere to be found. jaemin has taken his mobile out and played with it for god knows how long. he doesn't know how long they stay there, until he feels his eyelids droop down and a mild, sleepy haze takes over his mind.

he lifts his head to see renjun looking at him with a soft smile. how can he smile? jaemin feels like something is about to break to pieces, while renjun looks like the gates to heaven have opened.

"just sleep." renjun says. jaemin is too tired to say anything and closes his eyes, leaning against the wall. he feels a hand against his head, pushing it to a much softer surface. renjun's sweatshirt. renjun's shoulder.

jaemin drifts off into a dreamless sleep, a frown etched on his forehead.

+++

the following weeks are different, if jaemin wants to talk about it positively.

the korean members are especially sweet towards renjun and chenle, even yukhei who returns for a special performance. jaemin tries to ignore the way mark beams so happily, tries to forget the feeling bubbling at the bottom of his heart.

mark was yukhei's first friend some six years ago, when he entered the practice rooms with eyes wide like a child. mark was his best friend for six years. now, they only meet once every two months (if they're lucky, that is) and share only brief moments with each other. the happy, somewhat relieved glint in mark's eyes is quite hard to miss, especially with the way he seems to follow yukhei everywhere, reluctant to let him go.

jaemin wonders if he'll do that too. or at least get to do that. 

his eyes go back to his mobile, the twitter screen full of wishes for renjun opened up. some are in english and other languages he doesn't understand, but the feelings are the same. the fans are sad to see renjun and chenle leave nct dream, but wish him all the best for his future with wayv.

he doesn't even realize he's been listening to songs until his airpods start to play renjun's voice. it isn't a song, but rather an audio of him singing. renjun sings little clips, with any phone he finds; with jaemin's phone he sings a bit more. he has more audio clips of him singing, many which manage to sneak into his shuffle list.

he doesn't know if he really wants renjun singing _candle light_ with his raw voice playing in his earphones, so he unlocks his phone to pause the song. it's a photo of the seven of nct dream that stares back at him.

he gets a momentary thought of throwing his phone and breaking it to pieces.

"jaem! we get ready in ten minutes," donghyuck tells from the doorstep. jaemin decides to put his phone inside his bag instead, saving the thousands of money he'll have to spend getting a new one. as he takes his airpods out, he hears it.

renjun singing. it's beautiful by all standards, even more than beautiful but jaemin doesn't know enough words to express it. it's an english song, and renjun hums half of the lines because he probably forgot the lyrics. it's still beautiful.

"jaemin hyung!" chenle's voice rips through the serene atmosphere, making renjun look up. jaemin still stares at him, wanting the voice to sing again, to sing forever.

"min they're calling you," renjun says, rummaging through his bag. "must be for your coffee."

right. coffee. his eyes start to itch with tiredness the moment coffee is mentioned. jaemin gets his bag and walks out of the room, almost hurries out.

it's gonna be very hard, he knows, but he still doesn't know _ what _ it is. or maybe he knows, and ignorance is a better option at the moment.

+++

it's midnight when they return home, filming a variety show and a radio show _ and _ discussing future plans. it always leaves jaemin's mood down when they talk about the future. as if the dream unit is temporary, which it is.

_ why can't it be permanent? _ he wants to ask. _ why can't we stay together? _

jisung clocks out as soon as they reach their rooms. jeno and donghyuck are still awake, ready to tire themselves out by playing video games. chenle stays up talking to his mom. they don't have any schedule the next day, not even practice (although most of the members end up there anyway).

jaemin waits till renjun comes out of the bathroom, washed up and changed into his pajamas. a smile creeps up his face, realizing it's the pajamas they went and bought together.

renjun shoots a smile back, and the air is not so awkward anymore. "go wash up," he says, voice low.

jaemin does as told and flops back on his bed after fifteen minutes, tiredness burning in his eyelids. yet, even with it all, he doesn't find sleep.

it's been a long time since jaemin had his bouts of insomnia, and he definitely did not want it back that night. or any night.

he tosses and turns, yet he cannot seem to slip into the black abyss. renjun is still looking through his phone, occasionally turning to jaemin from the loud rustling.

jaemin doesn't care. he's frustrated, frustrated that he can't sleep; that he's feeling a lot of things he does not understand.

he just wants everything to stop and let him sleep.

he feels a tears build up in his eyes, and tries his best to quietly wipe them away.

he can't cry. he doesn't want to.

"'min?" renjun calls out in a low voice. jaemin pretends to be asleep, hoping it'll somehow be enough to let him actually sleep.

he kicks his blanket off when he lies motionless for a long while, eyes wide and staring at the same set of posters illuminated by the moonlight. he kicks it repeatedly, not knowing what else to do.

he feels a pair of arms around him, tight and comforting. he doesn't have to turn to know who it is. renjun's arms are short, but they are enough to embrace him. he sniffles loudly as a gate of tears seem to open. the hands around him loosen a bit, patting his arm rhythmically. he feels the tremors through his body, the shudders of breath he takes in.

"i can't sleep," he whispers, voice filled with frustration and tears. "i can't _ sleep _, injun."

"it's okay," he hears renjun say. "you will."

"i _ can't _—" he thrashes around again, only to be held down by renjun. the shudders take over at full force and he's frustrated to the most. he doesn't know what, or why.

"i'm with you," renjun says, as if its a reassuring thought. _ it is _ , a feeble voice says to jaemin. _ because he won't be there anymore _.

it is to this last thought that jaemin slips into sleep, held by renjun, tear tracks all over his face.

+++

it becomes a habit.

renjun does not complain when jaemin slips into his arms the next night, or the night after. they used to do it before, until debut when they became too busy, jaemin got his own bed and renjun roomed with mark. it doesn't seem any different from before, other than their bodies growing out and their mind occupied with a ton of other things.

this night, like the seven before, starts with jaemin making his way into renjun's arms. it's wordless. jaemin finds himself sleeping like a baby with renjun beside, all worry lost for some reason. renjun, like the kind-hearted person he is, only lets jaemin make it into a habit, thinking it's only going to last for a while, like most of jaemin's new habits.

maybe that is why renjun is surprised to find jaemin in the living room when he comes back that night. it would have been a long, tiring day of discussions and practice for renjun, jaemin knows that. it's also his fault for having developed such a habit.

he smiles up at renjun, who looks extremely tired, ignoring the nagging guilt telling him that he is bothering the other.

"didn't sleep?" renjun asks, fighting a yawn. jaemin chuckles at that and shakes his head in reply. "come on." is only what renjun tells and walks into their room.

jaemin follows diligently, finding his usual place between renjun's arms. like always. he holds onto renjun a bit tighter, curls in a bit closer.

it's quite for a while. no one speaks anything; only their breaths resonate in the room. somewhere, the sun begins to rise against the dark of the midnight.

"what are you gonna do after," renjun whispers. jaemin pretends to have not heard it, only curling more into renjun's embrace.

+++

two months.

it comes down to that. all of nct (even wayv) have gathered at the practice room. there's a cake and an assortment of snacks, jaemin notices. chenle and renjun are crowned with party hats and gifts from the korean members. kun looks at the two with a look akin to pride, and maybe somewhat of a little guilt. maybe kun _ is _ guilty for taking him away.

"don't stare like that," mark whispers beside him. jaemin immediately corrects whatever expression he has on his face. "i understand, y'know? it's difficult, seeing your best friend leave."

_ best friend? _ jaemin ponders on the thought for longer than he has to.

it sticks with him throughout the whole night. _ renjun, best friend. renjun, best friend. _

they are nothing more than best friends.

"of course, it's difficult to see such an important part of your life leave," mark repeats, as if drilling the thought in jaemin's mind. "but after a while, you just… it gets better. you're happy whenever you meet, you call and text each other as much as possible, and it's just… who am i kidding?" mark laughs with resignation. he doesn't notice how jaemin is still looking at renjun, who's playing something with yukhei and laughing now. maybe mark is looking there too. "it doesn't get better, you just get used to it. and after a while, you're just content, you know? you get busy, he gets busy, and you're glad you actually have the time to talk."

mark's words flow in and out of jaemin's ears, choosing to focus on something else. maybe both of them are going through the same conflict in their minds.

he doesn't want renjun to leave. _ renjun leaving _ is the thing that's going to be hard, he realizes.

the night moves on, but jaemin is stuck in his own mind.

+++

"_ i'm so glad to have been a part of nct dream _," jaemin hears renjun speak into the mic.

it's the end of dream show 2, and the four eldest of the group stand across the stage. jisung and chenle are behind them, tears obviously welling up in their eyes. jaemin thinks he had spotted mark in the crowd, but doesn't focus on finding him for now.

"_ this is my debut team, and i'm so thankful to all the members for being with me in this journey, and… and i... _" renjun pauses; opens his mouth and closes again. jaemin recognizes the pause way too well. he looks at renjun dropping his hands, tears visibly falling. he lifts his own mic up.

"_ our czennies~ can we all cheer our injunnie up? don't cry, don't cry, don't cry! _" the fans take over the chants. jaemin drops his mic with a smile on his face, looking at the green lightsticks move up and down, the whole auditorium resonating with the sound.

strangely, jaemin feels something sting in his eyes. the tears fall before he could do anything, one after another. he turns away from the cameras, trying to control himself. but he looks at renjun, and so many things flash across his mind.

both of them are crying, both are consoled and later made fun of. the chants of '_ don't cry! _' keeps ringing in jaemin's ears, hours after the show is over and they have officially 'graduated' from the team.

"it's going to be so _ boring _ without all of you," jisung says, shoving a piece of meat into his mouth. "and it's gonna be even _ more _ weird having someone call me _ hyung _."

after the night, after jaemin finally gets ready to sleep, he rushes into renjun's embrace. their voices are still filled with emotions unshed, words untold. but jaemin figures that the silence is good enough. he spots a smile on renjun as he snuggles more into renjun's shoulder.

but even silence becomes unbearable. renjun isn't looking through his phone like he usually does. instead, his eyes seem to be fixed on the poster stuck in their room, of the six of them together. jaemin sees this, and the comfort he feels soon turns into a suffocating hesitation.

"injun?"

renjun hums. jaemin spots the difference in his voice: thick and cracking.

"don't go," jaemin says in a low voice, barely audible even to himself. "don't go, injun."

renjun's arms tighten around him just a bit more. maybe that is the only reply he can give.

maybe that is the only reply jaemin can have.

"i'm not going away," renjun replies. "we can still talk to each other."

jaemin looks up at renjun. the shade of the night lamp illuminates the outlines of renjun's face, ever so lightly. it reminds him of the endless talks through the night, the numerous moments they shared with just each other and no one else in this room, under the comfort and cover of the dim lights.

jaemin realizes how much he is going to miss renjun.

he does not know what takes over, but he pushes himself forward, pressing his lips against renjun's. he could feel the other's stillness, could feel the surprise coursing through his own veins. when he pulls away, renjun's eyes are closed, his breaths are shaky, and his arms loosely hang around jaemin's figure. there is a silence, a different kind, that hangs heavy above them, almost tangible and very, _ very _ fragile. jaemin could hear his own heartbeat thrumming against his ears; wishes he could stop it.

they don't speak of it, but jaemin still sleeps within renjun's embrace. it is really a bad habit, one he would stubbornly hold on to.

+++

it becomes jaemin's little secret, only for him to ponder and agonize over.

everything around him reminds him of the little time they have left together. renjun and chenle are already away for most of the time, discussing about a number of things. early morning and late nights are the only time jaemin spots them.

and in the little moments they have, jaemin spends half of them hestating. of course, nights are still spent in each other's arms, but there is nothing beyond it. they don't talk about that night, or anything close to it. sometimes jaemin thinks about how it would be to kiss him again, to feel the soft lips one more time. he pushes the thought deep down before it can even grow. it's his secret, and it will stay like that.

+++

"you know, we never got our cooking show."

jaemin is awake after a good fourteen-hours of sleep, making the most out of his free day like everyone else. he could have went to his place, stayed with his parents and met up with his old friends, but he found himself staying back. unlike him jeno had went to his parents' place, so has jisung. that left chenle, renjun and jaemin sharing the dream dorm.

_ dream dorm _ . jaemin smiles at little at the name. mark had given the name after their debut had been fixed. _ where dreams are made together _.

jaemin is soon set to move to a new dorm. almost half of his stuff are packed, mainly his tabletop figurines. his side of the room looks barren without the small figurines standing here and there.

right. he focuses on the words renjun uttered a few seconds ago. he shrugs, because what can he do? he isn't responsible for content decisions.

"let's film one." renjun suggests, waving his mobile in front of jaemin's sight. "i wanna do it."

that is how jaemin finds himself cutting vegetables at the table while renjun stands beside the stove top, checking the heat of the oil to cook the meat in. he had also prepared the rice, which should be steaming hot by the time they finish, just in time for their fried rice.

renjun talks into the camera that is perched on top of one of the boxes, supported by a book, as if it's a live recording and thousands of people are watching it.

"is this taking time, or is it just me?" renjun asks, wiping sweat away with an exaggerated expression.

"it's definitely just you," jaemin replies. "it's been fifteen minutes since we started. cooking takes time, injunnie."

"i know, i know, but i'm hungry!" he says, chewing on one of the cheese slices they've kept out. "want some?"

jaemin shakes his head, going back to focusing on the last bits of the vegetables.

"everyone, look at jaemin. he's so _ slow _!" renjun exclaims, pointing at jaemin through the camera lens "no wonder it has been fifteen minutes. he's making it all slow."

"cooking has to be done slowly,"

"but i'm _ hungry _."

it raises actual concern in jaemin. "we could order something if you want?"

renjun laughs, but shakes his head. "i wanna have something that _ we _ cooked. we're the cooks, after all."

jaemin's heart swells at those words. he tries to not let it show, but the grin poking out of his lips is hard to hide.

renjun wants to have food that they did _ together _.

once the vegetables are finally done, he takes his place for cleaning the used bowls and plates, spotting the growing pile. renjun is still talking to the camera. they could have talked more if there had been random questions, but this was just the two of them, talking to the camera. just for themselves.

"wow, this tastes really good!" jaemin says with genuine excitement as he savours the first bite of the fried rice with cheese they had made. it was better than what they had expected, expected, so that was a good thing.

renjun simply nods and eats his share. the two eat in silence; it's become a lot more common between them. and it isn't always the comfortable kind. jaemin feels the pressure hanging in the air, waiting to burst over their heads and create utter chaos.

jaemin won't let that happen today. not today, not ever.

"i'm," renjun begins as he takes a spoonful of rice, pausing mid-air as he finishes his sentence. "i'm moving. in one month."

that seems to be the breaking point of the awkwardness hanging in the air. jaemin pauses in his movements, looking straight at renjun. 

what can he do, really?

he was moving out in two weeks, but that is not important. he could come back whenever he wants, renjun cannot. and there was nothing he could do for it. so he does what he can: nods, shrugs for added nonchalance; takes a spoonful of rice and shoves it into his mouth.

"send me the video later, okay?"

+++

out of all the people to find out about jaemin's dilemma, it had to be mark.

it has been a day after renjun had told he would be moving out. permanently. not anywhere near by, but thousands of miles away. he had woken up before renjun that morning, and spent the time after with eyes on renjun, till the latter woke up. they had a recording session scheduled, and jaemin was the first to go.

the first person he saw in the studio, however, was mark. it reminded him of old times, of how mark usually stayed for the entire recording session, giving his opinions on how things can be done, and encouraging the younger ones. a smile made its way to his face as he greeted mark and slipped into the recording room.

it was not good.

"_ jaemin, do you know where you went wrong? _" the voice of the producer comes through the speakers. jaemin nods, mutters a low 'sorry'.

"_ come out for a while, we'll finish the background vocals for mark and begin again, hm? _"

jaemin nods wordlessly and removes the headphones from around his neck. mark pats his shoulder on his way out.

soon enough, he finds himself in one of the vocal practice rooms. he was not by any means a great vocalist, nor is he trained for it. but he remembers the room a lot. he remembers himself, jeno and renjun huddled over, going over lyrics and laughing over their crazy ideas for adlibs. he remembers staring at renjun in awe when he hit one of the high notes perfectly; remembers when renjun had cried when a recording did not go well, and how he had wrapped his arms around him.

his arms feels empty as he reaches out. his heart feels emptied out, waiting for something new to fill in. except, nothing can fill a particular huang renjun-shaped gap.

he feels the lump in his throat grow, and lets out a sigh as he tries to gulp it back in. _ not today _ , he tells himself. _ not now. maybe later, but not now _.

"jaem?"

he is startled at the sudden sound, and turns to the door to find mark standing, eyes as wide as jaemin's.

"you okay?"

something inside jaemin breaks.

he nods, but the tears streaming down his face says otherwise. he clears his throat and wipes his face, but it barely clears the emotion stuck inside him.

mark is visibly flustered. it is one of the rare times he has seen jaemin cry. he does not know the reason, and so he doesn't try to reach out to him.

anyone watching the scene from outside would think it's awkward, and even jaemin knows it is. but he can't help it. everything he had bottled up inside him, every memory he had brushed off as insignificant is coming up, one by one, devastatingly painful.

"i just want some more time," he says, voice thick with sheer regret. "i don't want him to go."

mark stills, finally realizing what it is that breaks jaemin's heart so much.

"jaemin-ah," mark almost whispers when jaemin finally stops crying.

"i-i'm fine, hyung. just… i'm fine now. i'll just drink something and get back to rec—"

jaemin barely gets to finish his sentence when mark pulls him into a tight hug, burying his face into his surprisingly wide shoulders. _ when did mark grow up so much? _

"i understand," mark says into jaemin's shoulder, voice low but resounding enough. "i'm sorry."

something switches. jaemin finds solace in mark's arms, something wordless yet similar now sitting between them. it clicks in jaemin's mind, all at once: the sad smiles, the lingering touches, the hidden hugs and late-night sneak-outs.

he wonders if mark had anyone to comfort him when yukhei left.

he lets out a shuddering breath, feeling tears brimming in his eyes again.

"why should he go?" he asks. "why should they go? why can't they stay with us?" 

he knows mark wishes he had an answer for it, but sadly, no one does. no one except the management, which they're too young, too powerless to question.

+++

four weeks come down to three, then to two. half of renjun's possessions are on their way to china.

jaemin watches with tired eyes as jeno steps in ten minutes after the last of packed boxes are taken out, two packs of six-pack beer and bottles of soju in his hands. 

"let's have a party!" he exclaims.

jaemin laughs weakly, while donghyuck shrugs and goes to the kitchen to rummage for snacking onto something. 

jaemin is already two cans down, even when he doesn't like the taste, when renjun comes back, evident exhausted from the travel up and down. he wordlessly sits between him and donghyuck, opening a can of beer and chugging it down.

it feels like old times. almost. the four of them, sitting together, drinking their stress away. except all of them have different kinds of stress now, and jaemin cannot share his with anyone else.

the soju bottles are opened too, and they are a bit more than tipsy but less than drunk when they finish the first bottle. jaemin wonders why he's drinking when all he wants to do is throw up at the taste.

donghyuck is the first to get up, like always, and walks out of the house to the 127 unit dorm. then it's the three of them, conversation slowly dying out. jeno retires to his room at some point, leaving jaemin and renjun alone.

"injun," he says, feeling his tongue loose control. "what'll y'do when you miss me?"

renjun looks at jaemin, stares for a long time. the night is dead silent, save for their breathing.

"i," renjun starts, leaning against jaemin's shoulders. "i'll think of us. our songs. i'll listen to them for sure."

"no, that's not wha' i asked," jaemin shakes his head. "what'll you do when you miss _ me _?"

there's no answer for a while, a long while, enough for jaemin to think that there might be no answer. maybe renjun wouldn't even miss him, swept up in busy promotions across the huge country. jaemin would be the only fool missing him every day, reminiscing and regretting.

every thought is blown away, along with the spring breeze when he feels a soft kiss on his lips. "i'll miss you," renjun says when he pulls away. "but i can't do anything about it."

jaemin feels tears pricking his eyes again, but he doesn't try to control them. instead, he lets them fall freely, along with whatever is left inside him. he presses a chaste kiss on renjun's lips, holding his face with both his hands. it's everything jaemin expected, but also everything he did not.

"i'll miss you, and i'll look at our pictures," renjun hiccups, and jaemin feels hot tears on his hands. he wipes them away quietly, kissing renjun's cheeks. "i'll call you, text you. i'll do everything i can. but i'll still miss you."

"i'm sorry," jaemin whispers, his grip on renjun increasing. maybe he'll go forever if he loosens it now. "i'm so, so sorry."

neither of them know what they're sorry for, but they keep apologizing, and keep kissing. maybe it's for the fact that both their hearts are going to be broken forever— by their different worlds, if not by the distance.

they were never meant to be together. they were not to fall in love; just pretend like they flirt, like they like each other excessively, for the fans. none of it was meant to be more than friendship.

and once again, like all the other nights before, jaemin falls asleep in renjun's arms.

+++

he isn't in seoul when renjun leaves.

he isn't with the managers at the airport, with jeno who had tagged along them in a disguise. he doesn't think he could have taken it very well, to see renjun leave. he is at his parents' place, watching their performances on his mobile over and over as tears sting his eyes.

he could not have been like jeno, who sent renjun away with a tight hug and a promise to keep in touch. a promise in bare vain. they'll have each other's numbers, but that will be it. he knows, he knows better. or maybe he doesn't, but does it matter anymore?

there is a small message from renjun sitting in jaemin's phone. he has read it a million times, but still is not able to comprehend it.

_ from: _ ** _injunnie_ **

_ i'm sorry i love you. see you later._

jaemin is beyond confused, yet something inside him tells that this is perfect. this could be the ending he needed for a love that would never be fulfilled.

renjun debuts before he does. he plays around with chenle and yukhei and yangyang, gets reprimanded caringly by kun. sicheng bribes the kid with food, especially hotpot. he's praised everywhere for his vocal talent. the two spam the dream unit chatroom and the nct chatroom with various incidents in the wayv dorm. the members in korea send laughter and snide comments in reply, but jaemin sticks to smiley faces.

it's a month after renjun left for china that he finally calls jaemin.

"_ hello? jaem? _"

jaemin sighs, nodding at the camera. "how are you?"

they fall into an easy conversation, but there is a barrier between them: a huge wall that neither could scale and reach for the other. their words are careful, their time is short. jaemin ends up crying himself to sleep that night, and wakes up to mark hugging him tightly.

he had mark have surprisingly gotten closer. they go out together, even sneak out in the mid night, and laugh and cry. mark talks about yukhei and jaemin tries not to talk about renjun, because they're each other's solace now. he goes out with mark more than he ever did before.

mark tries his best to tell jaemin that _ it's okay, he'll come back every two months, you guys will still meet all the time _. it isn't true, and renjun comes back after six months, and leaves in three days. the management says that ties with wayv now is complicated, some politics and stuff that jaemin does not want to think about. it's complicated, and that's it.

jeno was right about their sub-unit; he promotes a lot more on tv that he did before. he's evidently tired of smiling widely for the cameras when he feels nothing close to it, but he does because he has to. at one point, he sprains his leg and sits out for a week.

renjun still calls and messages them, _him_, just not that frequently. frequent turns often, which soon turns into occasional, and they slowly drift apart.

it's exactly a year after renjun has left. jaemin finds himself returning to the dorms— the nct u one— after a long day. he and another new vocalist member named junwoo are rooming together now. he gets along with him easily, and they even have vlives together.

(no one except mark knows his secret.)

he gets the cooking vlive he has asked a lot for. he does not do anything complex; for his first live, he makes sandwiches and answers questions about 'tmi's during dream era'. it's funny, and the management lets him continue whenever he can.

it's another day of his cooking vlive. he talks of him and renjun cooking after a fan question, which sets him off on a tangent (again) about the dream unit, and how he misses it so much. he speaks of how proud of jisung and happy he is to see donghyuck debut as a solo artist; how glad he is to still have jeno beside him. he carefully leaves out mentioning renjun and chenle, knowing his limits with the manager behind the camera sending varied hand signals.

he retires for the day, flopping onto his bed as soon as he reaches home. junwoo silently pats his back and slips into bed, drifting off to sleep soon.

but jaemin cannot. he twists and turns, but nothing would put him to sleep.

his phone pings with a notification, which he opens because he cannot sleep.

_ from: _ ** _injunnie_ **

_ we never got our show together. _

_ [video] (32:25)_

**Author's Note:**

> hope everyone liked it!! i know it's angsty pls forgive me ;-; also my sense of time went out the window bc i wrote this in midnight so if you had spotted any mistakes please do tell me  

> 
> [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/typical_fangrl)  
[cc](https://curiouscat.me/typicalfangrl)


End file.
